self-titled: ^_^

just turned off south park with 30 minutes left. the novelty of swearing on TV had worn off and the movie's best parts are in the first half.

quick trip to jersey went well. After work wednesday i hopped on a train and, well, it beat the hell out of driving. Did a little gameboy action and a little music action, but no sleeping. Was afraid i'd miss my stop or something. got in to the house late that night, hung out a little, went to bed.

thanksgiving followed, pretty run of the mill festivities. had some turkey. after everyone left my sister and i went to see elf, which was cute. then back home for some quick gba and then sleep.

caught the noonish train the next day, we were held up in new haven for some power line fiasco for nearly an hour, but aside from that it went well. A few things about myself were again brought to light, which bothered me a bit. first was the fact that i shut myself off. everywhere i go i'm protected by headphones. when i boarded the train there were two options for me, cute chick or normal guy. i didn't want to be the guy who sits next to the cute chick because she's a cute chick and took the other seat and embarked on several hours of gameboy and ipod. of course some douchebag vice principal boards next stop, sits in the other seat, and for the next 5 hours the two are in constant conversation. And i realized, had i taken that seat my ride would have been exactly the same. I'd have my earphones in playing gba or listening to music the whole way, the only thing different would be that there was a cute girl next to me. that's a certain flaw of mine that i don't see being corrected anytime soon.

the next 'let's get down on myself' moment came when i was just sitting there. Kleenex Girl Wonder on the headphones, some dude typing on a laptop nearby, and me looking out the train window thinking about how "on a train" seems like a sort of classic place to write something. And i realized what i've realized (and documented here) many many times: I'm in love with the idea of creation but lack the motivation and the ideas to do anything about it. but sadly, it goes further. Moreso than being in love with the idea of creation, i think really, i'm in love with the destructiveness i associate with art. Case in point: the Kleenex Girl Wonder i was listening to. Young kid in a relationship goes "gee, what's up with breakup songs" and sets out to write an album full of them. halfway through the process he gets his ass dumped. pursuing the best of art is almost always destructive. No one wants to listen to songs about rainbows or read a story about two people who fall in love and live out their years without conflict. What's romantic to me is passion that destroys. Relationships created out of tension, and that need conflict and unhealthy dependancy to survive. it's pleasure through pain, it's the high and then coming down from it, it's that damn line from the mark eitzel song: "you were a student of archaeology / you take comfort in cities that fall / when you smashed your place up you thought you were making history..." to get back to a tertiary point i started making up above: art, if done correctly, is destructive. Look at the wrens album, 7 or 8 years in the making, by a band that was breaking up and imploding, and it's marvelous. thinking about being in a relationship, and i can only picture it from how it'd look on paper or through a lens, and if it's not destructive and full of messed up dependancy, it's boring and totally not sexy. and i'm looking at what i'm writing here and it's like i'm saying "addiction rocks." and well, in a way, i am. take away the physical affects, and the drain on the wallet, and how society views it. just isolate that one aspect of addiction where there's the need, the execution, the release. it's like the most human thing. i'm immediately reminded of the scene in requiem for a dream that after many viewings carries by far the most resonance, when harry calls marion from prison, she asks 'when will you be home' and he says 'tonight.' in a movie that graphically plays out addictions to heroin, pain killers, money, food, sex whatever...finally right towards the end, right when everything goes to shit for the last time, we get all those addictions to -things- put on the back burner and see the stripped down human need of going from feeling bad to feeling good. and heh, in their case, they are pretty much screwed... but it works for the moment... and those moments are what it's about.

now, reading all this, i'm left to wonder. is this how i've been, or is this how i've made myself. there's a clear life as art thing going on, lives as read on paper, heard in song and seen on film. At what point did i sit back and decide that life is best as it would be interpreted from an outside perspective? obviously it's a telling reason for having started blogging (hehe, 'blogging'). granted the writing here has gone to shit in the past year.5 as i've had nothing of import to write about and have usually lacked the motivation to sit down and write the crap that happened anyway. while it's common that some people are so used to disappointment that they won't pursue happiness. Perhaps i've one-upped the whole system in that i'm so sure i'll be disappointed in my disappointment that i won't pursue even that. haha that rocks.