self-titled: ^_^

today was chock full o' college football. And no, i'm not talking about the bowl games. I'm talking NCAA 2002 for the PS2.

I started a season as Boston College, had to replay the first two games against West Virginia and stanford, but after that i held to a strict policy of no redos. Navy and Army didn't make me regret this decision, but then came the game v. Temple, who apparently is a very good team in the game. That was a nail-biter, i finally ended it at 28-27, that was pretty intense. and after the temple game, we got ranked at 20 in both polls. Then the game against #11 Virginia Tech. I did really well, scored a TD then lost control on downs at the 1 yard line, but then safetied the hell out of VT and drove back for a Field goal. 12-0 at the half. 2nd half was a defensive struggle until about a 20 seconds left when they scored, and then recovered the onsides kick. they came close, but i held them. and now i'm #15 and #14 on the coaches poll. Standing-wise, i'm #2 in the entire NCAA. Willie isn't in the top five heismen watch slots yet, but that's coming. oh, is it coming.

and uhh, that's all i got.

another couple of days passed, don't worry, you didn't miss much.

wednesday morning, at 9am i drove my sister and myself to the mall. There, i purchased 4 games: gran turismo 3, grand theft auto 3, metal gear solid 2 and ncaa football 2002. and then i came home and i haven't left the house since.

in that time i've played a LOT of playstation 2.

a LOT. abundantly

but i also have made these observations:

1.) there was a greeter at the abercrombie and fitch at the mall who was just a goofy looking guy, not attractive or anything... verrrry strange. I suspect that he might just have been standing there pretending to be a greeter hoping to pick up chicks who go for abercrombie greeters because they are supposed to be hot and don't actually look at them.

2.) i finally, after over a year, figured out why on earth wilco would name their album "summerteeth." it's the old redneck tooth joke: some are here, some are there.

3.) i think i mentioned this in a way earlier entry, but i saw neve cambell on an episode of kids in the hall before she was neve cambell. and tom hanks was just on family ties.

4.) on survivor, in the rewards challenge there was the best product placement ever. Lex and tom using Jeff Probst's visa card.

5.) i had another observation when i started this observation section, but i have forgotten it.

6.) playstation 2 rules.

7.) i just accidentally picked the scab on my elbow that i picked the night we played lame asshole before i left school and i bled alot.

8.) i'm out of gel

9.) i'm the worst e-mail person ever now. hi katie!

10.) mountain dew is good

11.) my lips are chapped

12.) I realized when i was in the bathroom today that this is probably the last time i will be coming home for a long period of time. and then when i thought of that i realized that in a few months i become, like a real person. where i can't be like "mom, can you pick me up [some game] when you go to the mall?" because i'll be busy filing taxes and paying rent and having casual sex with my housemate katie. will i be able to play videogames? buy cds? survive? AHHHHHH

14.) i'm done wit this entry.

15.) one more. Is Mr. Furley gay? Purposely ambiguous? or just wildly eccentric?

so i guess it's been a couple days. whatever. Sunday night when i got off the phone, i fell asleep on the end of my bed and then woke an hour later and then moved into bed proper, and last night i was just real tired. but it's ok as i really had nothing to report.

But for the sake of completion, here are the past two days: i played an assload of mario 64, which i was almost shocked to remember what an incredible game it is, the design is just superb. way to go nintendo. then yesterday, before i played mario 64, i made a new desktop with litestep. yay fun fun.

today was christmas. i got my playstation 2, but not without a lot of anxiety as i STILL fall for my parents dumb delay and distraction tactics. got ffx and going shopping tomorrow for more game fun. then family came and i got pretty drunk and had a good time and then went upstairs to play my game and fell asleep on the chair for 3 hours, gave brenda a call and then back to playing.

also, not last night, but the night before, i totally controlled my dream. it was great, just like waking life. i had this consciousness, i was all (in my dream, mind you), "wait a minute, this isn't happening, this is a dream. I can do whatever the hell i want because there will be no consequence." and i totally did and it was really just an amazing thing to have that control.

and now, more final fantasy.

and now begins one of what will be many very very very boring christmas break episodes.

i got out of bed at 2 because i am an incredible waste of life, and the i popped in the 1938 "Adventures of Robin Hood" with Errol Flynn. The movie was soooooo gay. like, it was pretty good and entertaining, but i was just amazed at how incredibly gay it was. robin hood was, well, robin hood - but at least he got to pretend he was all abotu maid marian. will scarlet, however, even his bright red costume was flaming. and there was too much questionable stuff with he and robin. there was far too much questionable material all over the place. aside from people like Prince John just being total homosexuals. Way too many errant lines of dialogue. And my personal favorite part was after robin's band hijacked the people on their way back from collecting taxes and one of prince john's soldiers was tied up and one of the merry men was poking him in the butt with a mace.

and then i went to blockbuster and bought a controller for the n64 and came home and played video games and went to dinner with the parents and then played more video games and then talked to brenda and now i'm about to play more video games and go to bed or something.

also, 2 grades are in. I got an A- in systems analysis, which is a total joke and makes what the prof said in the beginning of the year utter bullshit. he said he worked on a strict 100 point system, wherein we had all these little challenge thingies that were worth 2 points each, homeworks were worth 3 or 4 or whatever and then the midterm and the final... anyway, don't do a challenge and the best you can get is a 98, don't do a homework on top of that and you're at 94. i definitely missed 3 challenges and at least 2 or 3 homeworks. and i didn't ace the midterm, so, in conclusion, he's full of crap.

on the topic of being full of crap, I got a B in business systems. the deal in that class was, you can't get a grade higher than your homework average. There were 11 homeworks, i completely failed to turn in 4 of them, and turned most of the rest in late, giving me 80s or 90s. so the highest my homework average could have possibly been is like a 65 or something. and yet, B.

I rule.

well, back home now. the plan was to leave bc at oh, around noon yesterday. brenda and i picked up sean at some past three. sean and i got the scenic tour of marlborough's finer auto-parts stores, and then we ate at a burger king where the employees were having a christmas party.

got brenda safely to her home and then sean and i were on the way proper by like 6 or something. not a bad ride at all, took the thruway so no traffic, i got a cinnabon and some coffee, and we had a sean/peterik talk.

back at home sammy flipped out even more than on thanksgiving. oh, rewind. i dropped sean off at the bridgewater mall and it was open till midnight, so i hung around a bit. basically just sat in EBX drooling over playstation 2 games. then i went to blockbuster: bicycle thief, the color purple, robin hood 1930something, and uhh, 32 short films about glenn gould.

talked on the phone with brenda for forever, and during that course we were, as we are wont to do, talking about things we can't possibly understand for the simple joy of having our brains totally explode. We started talking about the actual brains and memories and blah blah blah, and like, what IS thought? what is memory? we have a portion of the brain devoted to it, but like, what IS it? ahh, it's hurting to think of now. brenda has a nice theory for those times when we try to comprehend something uncomprehendible and it hurts: it's our brain trying to use that 80% that it's not supposed to - the answers are there, we're just not allowed to access them. Anyway, i mention all of this because during this conversation i had some sort of moment, epiphany, whatever. and i will now share it with you.

it basically boils down to this: i was sitting there, fully aware that there is so much we can simply not know. like, SO much that we as a race will never understand. and as i'm thinking this, i'm feeling this incredible strong sensation. and so i'm thinking, what is this? is this me feeling the power and presence of God, or is it me feeling the ultimate despair of uncertainty? and i don't know. and how related are the two? is feeling that despair the reason we feel God? is it an explanation or the answer? all these questions and so much more running through my head, it was amazing. i wish i wrote last night because it's not as clear now. and it's probably the truest and most important thought i've ever had on the subject, because usually i approach theological issues from the standpoint of my complaints with religion: namely, how there exists a plurality of beliefs and how that makes the whole thing a little doubtful. but i was dealing last night strictly with my own feelings. also, i still need to understand faith. that's what i'm missing. i don't get it: believing in something with your entire being that cannot be proven. But can you learn faith?

today i jizzed over ps2 stuff on the internet, and went to the mall, and stole the internet from my parents, and jizzed over ps2 stuff at the mall, and watched the color purple which sucked and watched the bicycle thief which was a lot better, and made spaghetti, and ate nathan's, and eggs, and killed nazis.

rewind now, if you will, to the last time i wrote: monday. after finishing up my papers, i made a tape. tuesday, i went to chestnut hill and the atrium and stuff, then came home, briefly studied for business sytems, and then got coerced into drinking. holy shit, let's not forget the discovery of the century earlier that day. YATTA! I'm in love with this video. it's amazing. way more amazing than tunak tunak. I have so many favorite parts in this, i'd be happy to share them all with you on an individual basis, complete with exact time locations. but paolo yatta who points out and sings while looking directly into your soul is one of the highlights, and kevin bacon yatta, who is simply the coolest man alive is my new obsession. but back to drinking. played some unspectacular games of asshole and kicked it to bed.

wendesday, woke up easily enough for my 9am final, found out i aced the second midterm in the class, which leads me to suspect i did well enough of the final. i came back home, drunk sarah and i tackled our music final, which, well, is turned in at least. and then, then... uhh... somehow ended up at cityside with sarah and brenda, na d then, oh! oh! lord of the rings.

holy fucking shit. lord of the rings.

that's all i'll say on that. then a party at diana's, in which some beirut was played, and then back to edmonds for one last hurrah before break. and then that brings us to the beginning of this entry or so, and i'm off to sleep.

christmas cannot come soon enough. i need to play videogames and stop just reading about them and looking at pictures and movies on the internet.

ha. and to think: i actually thought i'd do at least a LITTLE bit of work today.

nope. instead i slept straight till noon. that rarely ever happens. Usually i wake up and fall back asleep then wake up again and stay in bed for 30 minutes then fall asleep again, etc. but today i just slept until 12 and that was cool.

i don't remember how much time actually elapsed, but eventually i was awake and showered and doing crossword puzzles with john darren and brenda and eventually tara. i was good. they all feared me. and once again, and this is like the 3rd time at least, knowing that the dog from the Thin Man movies was named Asta came in handy. go figure.

some time afterwards i went with the girls down to cleaveland circle where they went to citysides and i grabbed some of boston's best pizza. I walked home, fully intending to walk home the normal way, but instead i walked along the OUTSIDE of the res, and there was no concrete and i was walking in semi muddy dirt and it sucked.

when i got to my room i started drinking and working on non school related music work. and then survivor. Apparently i am the only person left alive who still likes lex. oh well. screw the rest of the world. after survivor it was back to my room for more music fun which i was doing until 12:45 when katie turned my attention to the newton north high school tv show which was fun except for some retarded clip set to radiohead's "life in a glasshouse" which was just some kid trying to be artistic or some shit.

it's funny, i've had a few beers and a number of whiskey drinks and i'm not feeling them at all. it's too bad i live with people because tonight would be the night to just say "fuck it" and keep drinking and filling up an ashtray as i listen to music. but instead i'll pour myself another, listen to some more music, and then cap the night off with a final smoke.

and tomorrow i'll start my papers. ha.

i suck. joe pernice is singing "i hate my life." to me.

my room is an absolute filth hole. i need to clean in desperately. i have a 13 page paper due on monday that i won't start until sunday night. i'm sick of being an awkward tall lanky freak. self-titled has turned into a joke. I've written 52 of the 104 days of this semester, and they've all sucked. Gone are my insights, my incredibly entertaining witticisms, it's all "blah blah blah did this and then i'll quickly talk about this and now i'm off to do this." oftentimes compressing entire days into a mere paragraph or two.

so why is this? christ, look at the big anniversary entry from last may. There's a life contained in those links. I haven't approached anywhere near the depth i had in years past this semester. it's just not fun anymore.

well, it's not that it's not fun to write, i just don't have the time. i mean, of course i have the time, but seriously, it's a whole different life this year. sophomore and junior year were quite conducive to writing. i mean soph it was just mike, i spent hours at night in front of the computer with my hearphones on. last year, it was tim and adam, and they worked much like me. stay up late at computers doing dumb internet things, so i wasn't missing out much by doing the same. this year, what with they guys and the going out all the time and then with John going to be and with across the hall... it's just a different set of circumstances.

hmmm nice, pernice just quoted a line from "god only knows."

anyway, it's also not like i'm holding back. granted i'm not talking about certain things nearly as much as i would if this were private, but it's not like last year this served as nothing but a place for me to talk about the deeply personal issues. and when it was it's when s-t was at it's worse, until that revelatory huge personal statement i make towards the end of the cycle: those always kick ass. So maybe this year's problem is i'm too wrapped up in personal shit, but won't write about it anymore, thus keeping me from writing interesting OR controversial entries.

or maybe i'm just a whiney bitch and need to either not care that i'm not writing as much or stop spending time out or across the hall.

and now the lame ass weekend, err, faux weekend since the weekend i'm about to write about starts on sunday, in review. Sunday night i did what i needed to: took it easy. Monday i did a lot more of that. Shit, what did i do monday? I just remember watching trading spaces. oh yeah, then i watched friends and raymond and slept through 7th heaven and then watched raymond again and then the girls and tim and i drank. kings then a lot of asshole and then another round of kings and then some very drunk sleep.

tuesday, which i guess was yesterday huh? i didn't do much until i went out to the bostonians banquet. i had the blackened filet mignon which was wonderful. even more wonderful since it was free. dimitrios gave me a blow up doll and my first ever picture frame. i'd love to put the frame up somewhere, but not until i clean this shithole of a room.

seriously, how tough is it for me just to erase the cclutter? put things in order, have a living space i can be proud of. maybe it'll be reflected in the way i live my life. you know, clean workspace = healthy life. i think i read that in dear abby or something some point along the way.

after dinner, sean and i went to kate and emily's xmas party, it was alright. my roommates arrived pretty shortly after we did which was good. the beer tasted like eggnog, but it was rolling rock so i'm really wondering what was up with that. then the usual home/bed combo.

maybe i'll go see amelie today. i still want to get out and see the man who wasn't there at some point. but the bastards won't let me park on campus, grr.

hate when i stockpile entire weekends to write about.

i guess maybe thursday is where i left off? another long long rehearsal, followed by survivor, and then by some drinking wherein i funneled for the first time.

then comes friday, i don't remember the day too well. oh wait, yeah I do. AFter class i went and got a haircut and some flowers and some candy canes and some pizza and then i dyed my hair and went shopping with mike and sean. mike dressed us up nice for our big show the next night.

That night. hmm. oh yes, Ocean's 11 with the gang. slick movie. great cast that wasn't trying to outdo each other and julia didn't annoy me half as much as she could have.

that night i went with tim to diana's, where we picked up john and then all went to some party on sutherland. we knew no one there so we stood around in a circle and had funny conversations while drinking free beer. We walked home, tim noticed the edmonds fire drill far before we reached the building and then we hung outside during the drill for a spell. went back upstairs with the damn thing still ringing and then i just put my headphones on and went to bed.

Saturday i slept, set up the cabaret room for the bostonians show. it was cool as hell. we wwere under a canopy of lights that we strung up using a cherry picker, and everything else was totally cool and made us look awesome. then i went home, showered, dressed in my sexy new outfit and headed to the show. from all accounts, it went really really well, which is awesome. i came home afterwards, wrote a little, then kicked it to karleen's mod for the party. also, it had snowed - a lot. the party was great of course, lots of compliments on the outfit, i ran to the chorale party across the way for a quick spell, ate from a captain morgan's snowball, invented the make-out toll, which unfortunately fell flat due to poor signage. the girls from across the hall sans tara made it over and stayed till closing, and the guys came a little later. a successful evening. until about 4:30, 5 or so, when my back and neck were overcome with intense pains that kept me awake till near 7. It wasn't a big deal though, i didn't have to wake up till 10:30.

And that i did, woke up showered, dressed and drove out to foxwoods casino with the group. we were, understandably, all pretty much dead. the first two sets were damn hard. the third set, which began with sean impromptuing us into "santa claus is coming to town" was actually a shitload of fun. the stuff all around the gaming floors seemed really cool and it'd be fun had we stayed last weekend as planned and had a chance to fuck around and explore.

on the drive home katie and i stumbled on to the strangest radio programming ever: muppets, pokemon, a song about monkeys in da house, mr. ed, labyrinth, mr magoo's christmas carol, star wars cantina, squirrels, fish heads - just absolutely bizarre but thoroughly entertaining.

then the simpsons and malcom, moved my car off campus with brenda, then ice cream night, and now this and soon bed.

i have something due at 5pm tomorrow and i'm blatantly ignoring it because it will be easy to write before 5pm tomorrow. and hooray for last day of classes and no more rehearsals till next year.

so i have fallen hopelessly in love with drum machines and synthesizers. i must've listened to the figurine album 5 times yesterday and the dntel album about 8 times since getting it. albeit, dntel isn't so much drum machines and synthesizers, but it's oh so good. the figurine disc is fantastic, boy girl trade-off vocals, each song a true dialogue, and with the instrumentation it could be so cold and isolating, but its oh so warm and i just want to hug it.

and now i'm listening to this soft bulletin companion disc and it's entertaining the hell out of me.

what a long friggin week. 3-5 hour rehearsals everynight. i was up till 8am tuesday morning working on the bostonians website.

This just in: brett butler has gained a LOT of weight.

uhh so after two hours of sleep, tuesday was a lot of fun, went to work where i ordered chinese food which was just heavenly. then katie's for figurine nap time and then to rehearsal till 11. got home, and drank for the radio show yippee. probably not the best idea given my state, but whatever, i deserved it.

classed today then slept in the chair in the office for 3 hours, class, then another hour of sleep. then dinner then rehearsal till 11:30. shit, i had something to write about today that i totally forgot. damn me for not bringing my palm to my day.

also, listening to this stereo mix of "the big ol' bug" is making me wistful for my flaming lips party. which i WILL be having. especially since i have an ally in pretentiousness lying in katie's friend steve. maybe i'll have it before break, but i think it'd be fun to force tim and adam to come to it next semester.

i just made myself a particularly stiff drink, and i must say, i'm enjoying it thoroughly.

ok now i go to bed. gotta wake up an hour early for powerpoint fun in the am. because i'm just too damned tired to do it now.

making this quick.

had recording on friday, it went not too great, had to scrap a session after 3 hours of work because it just wasn't taking. but i did get to drink beer, and that's always a plus.

then that night i went to karleen's with sean and john c, and we had a blast. just drank a lot, and did stupid things at the party and then came back to 830 and harrassed anyone we could manage to, and apparantly came within inches of our lives ending by the hands of tim.

slept nice and long into saturday, then woke up and uhh, oh yeah, went to the natick mall with katie and mike. i should mention that it was 70 degrees out on the first of december. fun times, bought stuff and ate a lot of food at cpk. back home i drank some beers and then went to the dance ensemble party with sean and mike and john. not quite as much fun as the night before. it was an unusual party by bc standards though, the girls severely outnumbered the guys, but i just wasn't having any of it. it was one of those nights where i just couldn't get drunk. so we ran into katie and hung outside for a bit and then kicked it home. i drank some beers and made a wrestling character. woohoo.

today i got up and went to cambridge:

american music club - everclear
figurine - the heartfelt
dntel - a life of possibilities
mahogany - i forget the title
wilco - summerteeth
my morning jacket - at dawn

then i came home and worked, did rehearsal, came home and work and puttsed around.

yay for school tomorrow!