self-titled: ^_^

oh boy, im so confused. i brought back a 13" tv from home, installed it next to my monitor, and now the cosby show is on as i type. but should i have music on instead? music on in addition? i think i've just taken on much more than i can handle, and there's no going back.

thanksgiving was alright, except for the whole getting there and getting back part. left for jersey at around 8:00 on thanksgiving, hit mad traffic everywhere i went and arrived at around 3:30. fabulous. family, dinner, all good. afterwards i went upstairs, into bed, and watched tv till i fell asleep. of great interest was the cosby show reunion, which was just great.

today i woke up, watched hairspray, showered, etc., and left around 1:30. hit mad traffic everywhere i went and arrived home at around 8:30. freaking unbelievable. Got home and cleaned/unpacked just a tiny bit, saw that there was no one to go out with, and then sat on my ass to play some metroid.

ugh, those car rides killed me. bah. what also kills me is how my head has been pointed at the tv for the past ten minutes. i think this hwole tv in the room thing is a bad bad idea. Also, on the cosby show, someone just said a quote to the cos and he didn't know who it was and she said "look it up." how the hell did they look stuff like that up in the 80s? good god. see, in 30 seconds i just determined the quote to have originated in William E. Henley's "Invictus," recently brought into the public eye at tim mcveigh's execution. The cos would have to find some anthology of quotes in alphabetical order and make sure he was told it exactly, etc. sucks, man. eww, coach is on nick and night? that show sucks. and yet i always watched it. AND, the other day, well maybe a couple of weeks ago, the theme to coach was in my head and i couldn't even begin to tell you why. and how cool is claire huxtable?

i'm thinking i might pass on the whole tailgating thing tomorrow, cold and what not. also, paper to write. hopefully people will be back at night and some shit will go down. and hopefully colleen and randomgirl will call, and i'll go out and be confident and start conversations, and then i'll watch the cosby show for 15 minutes and forget what the hell i was saying.

ok enough of this. tv has won my affection. hurray for cheers.

wow. i think i'm still recovering from sunday night.

after a long and productive weekend of not leaving the house, i spent sunday doing sunday things, up to my happy fox tv line up with s'mores. then for some reason, we'll call it "boy, was my weekend lame" i showered, put something on that wasn't pyjamas, and went to the edmonds at about 11 or something. It was todd's 21st, so a bunch of us went to jake ivory's. which was closed. then to bill's bar which had a stilly cover. then jillians which wouldn't let todd in. then who's which was closed. and then good old maryanns. fun time, although todd was unbelievably difficult. later on, i was sitting at the bar talking to a girl and then i turned around to see that all my friends, who were moments earlier 5 feet away from me, had disappeared, without a word. I'm still trying to figure that one out. it's ok though, stayed talking with colleen about, among other things, math. we closed out ma's, went back to edmonds with her and a couple others, and stayed up much past my bedtime.

monday was a very sucessful day at the office, then back home and for some reason i went out again. this time to the line outside mary ann's and eventually city sides. had a couple irish car bombs and talked to sean a lot. then i came home and while going to bed would've been the reasonable course of action, i instead watched elimidate with katie.

Tuesday was a less successful day at the office, but still not bad considering i shouldn't have been able to function at all. stayed late at work so that i could come in late on wednesday. now i had thought that i had wednesday off and was planning on it, but i found out this was incorrect. i was very unhappy with this. but then some woman called and jin had to explain to her why their electricity was turned off "have you paid your bills? Yeah, you need to do that." and then i was happy again because this woman was a goddam idiot and deserved to be in the dark. i also got to make multiple trips to the bank. some flirt time with cute bank teller girl never hurt anyone.

came home, threw a quick poker mix together and went to poker night. not having to be at work till 10 just opened up world for me. it also opened up my wallet and i quickly lost all the money i won last time. heh. but it was fun, with wacky and wild adventures of all sorts.

when i woke up this mornign it was just great. i was rested and not at all in a rush. one bad point was that it was all snowy outside, and it felt exactly like a snow day, but then i had to go to work and couldn't sit down and watch game shows and that made me sad. cool when i left though, newbury street was just gorgeous what with the snow and the trees and the streetlights and all.
so now it's 8pm. i have to clean this house before i leave for nj bright and early tomorrow. bleh. don't want to clean anything. i need to eat dinner i think. then watch some tv maybe? too bad tv bites on wednesday especially ever since i dropped off the dawson's train.

it's been a very fun weekend. err, days after the weekend. by body is hurt though. and i could really use a LOT of sleep, but i will not get that until sunday morning i'm afraid. sigh.

kind of want to go out tonight but the weather sucks and well, there's not a single person here, heh. ok more time has passed i must go eat before my stomach eats me. i can taste the ramen already. heh, actually, i half wish i for some reason can't go home tomorrow just so i can have a funny but also sad sitcom/movie holiday alone. i could buy some gravy and cranberries at maddie's and mix it into ramen. heh.

so i'm not really keen on admitting this, but whatever.

as you may know, occasionally, something profoundly obvious simply slips under my radar. here's the story of one such occurance.

(this is) the dream of evan and chan. the superb dntel track that despite what i may have said last year, is without doubt the best and most enduring song from 2001. this is a song i have listened to no less than a few hundred times, and i'm not joking.

anyway. despite "dream" being in the title. it wasn't until today that i pieced things together. we get to the end of the second set of lyrics, "your eyelashes tickled my neck / with every nervous blink" which, for my money, is one of the greatest images in song. i love it, especially with ben gibbard behind the helm singing the words. so anyway, it goes "your eyelashes tickled my neck / with every nervouse blink / and it was perfect / until the telephone started ringing." now usually, i'm so taken with the eyelashes bit that i stop processing after that. but today, walking through the south end, i processed. and i thought to myself, "until the telephon started ringing off? what? a cell phone interrupted the moment" and then it hit me "fuck," i thought, "the phone rang and interrupted the dream." and with that, my heart sank. i had to stop walking down huntington ave. and i just wanted to break down right there. it killed me. i'm ashamed that i never picked up on it till then, but hell, the song just took on so much more and it makes me profoundly sad.
then i came home and finally decided it was ok to dress like a tool and go to wonderbar for oly's birthday, and it was a good time. and we called joey fatone and dave holmes and dave holmes called me back and hey, that's cool

also this, from my 3 hour tv marathon last night. the new harry potter movie. not only does it not make me excited AT ALL, but it looks goddam retarded and i hate it. it just looks like a terrible movie, which is unfortunate. it's kind of like the sigur ros debacle only not at all but i'll talk about that now. aegetis byrjun took me by storm. i heard it and it threw me for an incredibly loop. it was amazing, and moving, and unheralded. i've held off purchasing the incredibly pretentiously titled (), becuase what can sigur ros possibly do to match the awe that accompanyed aegetis? probably nothing. i'm sure it sounds similar, but the sigur ros sound is really nothing when seperated from the magic that was hearing it for the first time. it's not "selling out" or some crap like that, but when somehting's expected, it loses the magic. and i don't know that i want to hear something similar to the last album. and they certainly can't give me anything new. i'll pick it up eventually, but i'm nto expecting something incredible. i'm expecting something that might even be tired and already done by this time. we'll see.

also, katie and i joked about it today, but i think i've got a lot of elements right now goign for me being depressed. i don't want to be flippant saying this, but i was walking around boston tonight, listening to music and shit, and i just felt awful. i want and need something that i don't have. and i don't think i'm going to get it. so instead i'm just going to be bored and sad and alone, and that's cool. but really, it's not. so for the next week or so, i think i'll be in dress in black and read camus, drink clove cigarettes and drink vermouth. in every life a little rain, etc.

also, ps. big man who wrote in the guestbook: you rule. i don't quite know what you mean with that whole bit starting with "anonymity provides truth without retribution," but i value your opinions and your courage to back it up with a name. and you are right, because i am long valley bred and truly a boring prude yuppie asshole. yep, that's me. and my music is crappy. fuck you and if i know you, e-mail me (i'll keep it private) and let me know who you are, because i'm curious who in LV is a.) reading this and b.) has such a bizarre grudge against me.

cheers.

uhh err hmm it's friday night and it's 2am and i'm at my desk stone cold sober. It's like i don't care about going out on the weekends any more. also, the weather is miserable and i'm without my trusty gap jacket from freshman year. that and there was much metroid to be played and god is it good.

it's been just a lovely week at work, except today i accidentally poured myself french vanilla or hazelnut or something and it made me want to puke and then i went across the street to get regular and they were at the absolute bottom of the pot so i was only able to fill it about 3/4 of the way and then i added some hazlenut to top it off and it tasted exactly like the last cup. so that sucked.

Last night katie and i went to Tonic, the new place down by 1200 comm. where lori and oly both have jobs. we got there then mike and lori and katie's roommates from last year came. not a bad place, it's the mid-20s $8-$9 martini set mainly, but i enjoyed it well enough. and the bruschetta was unbelievable. i think it was because garlic bread was used as the base.

mike left, meghan and nikki left, lori katie and i left, i went to kells to meet up with darren and friends, sort of did, mostly hung out with meghan being obnoxious and then they left and then we left and then it was absolutely goddam pouring out and me without a coat and i walked from maddie's to my house and i was sort of soaked and then i went to bed and then i woke up and said "i don't want to go to work" and then i went to work.

umm going to organize music now or something. maybe i will drink again on the morrow, we shall see, intrepid readers, we shall see.

oh yeah, i have a new all consuming crush. stephanie bohm, the voice of ms. john soda, don't know what she looks like but i am head over heels in love with her voice. and i check newbury comics everyday for couch cds that are never there. telling you, the ms. john soda album is tops. also, the notwist dudes are everywhere.

tired tired.

monday, nothing. tuesday, very tired day at work, then poker. i got my 20 in chips, amassed a small fortune early on, and then slowly but steadily pissed it away for four hours until i left with a buck around 2:30.

Today sucked. it was actually an awesome day at work, but it was a thursday type day. it was the day where everything was going great and fun and with all that comes the excitement of having tomorrow be friday. but nooo, its wednesday, which all but dooms me to have a bad day on the morrow.

then i came home and played metroid fusion. wow. metroid is leet. i should've played it while growing up, but now i have two new games and access to all the old ones, so i'll tear through it all eventually.

and also i have this to say. the victoria's secret fashion show may just be man's greatest achievement. and good god, what a smile heidi klum has. and it frightens me, but i've been finding south park laugh out loud funny recently.

hmm

i'm tired. very tired. think i'm going to go crawl into bed, play a little metroid and then kick it to sleep. woohoo.

i had some stuff i wanted to write last night but didn't because of the hour, and it'll have to wait for tonight because i'm just so darn tired.

i ate s'mores, cheese and crackers and a bunch of better cheddars, and now it feels like there are rulers in my stomach becing spun around and jabbed in and out. not too happy about that, eh.

lazy today. tv, videogames and laundry. yeehaw.

i was checking out some songs that bbc or whoever says are the number one number one hits of all time, and there's this song by a-ha, "the sun always shines on tv," and i really dig it. and the bridge of u2's "beautiful day" is rip off of the chorus of the a-ha song.

there's kind of a peter gabriel vibe to this, as well. although i don't really know why i say that.

the weeks, when they come, don't really bother me, and they usually go by with much speed. however, 10:30 on a sunday night is just horrible. oh well. i'll take some vaca time sometime i suppose. hmm, i bet this week will not be as fun as last week was. which means i have to wait till the weekend to fulfill my turn and drunk dial random girl. eww, class tomorrow. then poker tuesday, that's something to look forward to.

yeah, that''s it. gonna pay some bills and gee, i dunno, go to bed maybe? yikes.

on thursday after work, something silly happened. katie and i had watched an episode of buffy to help brighten her day a little bit and because buffy rules. and i saw i had messages. it was some girl at the wonderbar who found my number on a menu from when oly wrote it down to have lori give it to dave holmes. ok, weird. then she calls back and i talk to her and her friends for like 15 minutes. turns out they're 2001 grads, know some bostonians, etc. so i grab sean and tell him he's going to the wonderbar with me. well we get there, and of course, they're gone. well, that's all fine and good. oly came, and then lori and kyle and i had a good time nonetheless.

friday rolled around and i went to work. then after work it was down to faneuil hall to watch the bostonians. after that, sean and i hiked over to the fleet center to see the celtics game i had gotten tickets from work for. and we're walking and everyone's asking to buy tickets, and we had some discussion, and we decided to sell. i sold them at face for a nice $70 profit. and boy did i love the action.

so then armed with money, sean and i did a little pub crawl. wandered aroudn a bit and eventually settled on the bars of boylston. fun little diversion. then we went to fenway and walked by jake ivory's, which unlike the thursday night i went, was PACKED with a HUGE line outside and it was 10:30 and it was already a goddam super dance party in there. and sean and i stood outside like poor people on thanksgiving looking it at a happy family with a hot baked pig.

then we headed to amy's party with a quick stop at our house which i wish a group of people would go to soon. amy's wasn't killer and sean decided it'd be fun just to be rude to people, and - it was. tim came over and then we left for maryann's, where we were rude to 40 year old women and soon left for the mods.

on my walk home, i passed by 14 lake and adam and tony were just getting home. they had me come inside to see the new poker chips, and then davin and some other peeps came and we played low stakes poker till about 5am. i broke even.

slept like a rock this morning, woke up for tailgating, but looked outside and said screw it. then i went to mcdonald's, katie and i watched buffy, i watched the bc game, and now oly is here and i wish he'd leave only beacuse i want to go play gta, and i certainly don't want to have a spectator because it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

i doubt i'll go out tonight, but who knows. i just love these do-nothing saturdays.
also, the last 4 cds i've purchased: electro noveau - a two disk comp of tech, synthpop and electro; 2 many djs - as heard on radio soulwax 2 - an hour long mix of mashups and shit, cex - tall dark and handcuffed - cex does straight up rap, not sure why i bought this, i think it's because i just like cex as a guy so much; playgroup partytime mix - hour long continuous mix of over 200 songs from the 80s, half the stuff is not familiar, the other half is familiar but doesn't stick around long enough to place it, but a really fun disc.

basically, why i recount all that, is because wtf? what happened to my nice happy and very safe indie pop? what's becoming of me?

la la la i'm tired.
so yeah, on monday a bunch of us went to wonderbar for oly's birthday. wonderbar pretty much sucks, but it was still fun. lori had dave holmes from mtv and joey fatone from nsync's numbers and called and was all "hey it's me call back at " number being katie and my cell. so basically, dave holmes called me and joey fatone called katie (except she wasn't there for the call sadly). and we are now armed with their numbers which is just asking for trouble. oh, i guess i wrote about monday night already. oh well, deal.
tuesday work and then poker poker poker. i had what one may call a very very good night. got home damn near four after capping the night off with about 15 hands of hold 'em with adam and some new guy. and remarkable, i wasn't paying for it today. until about 5:00pm when i literally started falling asleep at my desk.
rachael had a bagel yesterday and it smelled really good so i went to espresso royale and got one. i think it's my new morning stop. the problem is, i don't like their coffee nearly as much as dunkin donuts. but i hope, just like how i forced myself to like black coffee, i can do the same with the espresso royale crap. also, they play good music and i'm weirdly attracted to one of the girls in that way that i'm weirdly attracted to a lot of punk girls. also, yesterday while i was in they played an mbv song, pavement, and joy division. the weird thing is, during "love will tear us apart," i was really freaking confused when the vocals weren't missy elliot's get ur freak on. that's frightening.
in other news, it's not that the harry potter movie doesn't interest me at all, but i actually found myself seeing commercials on sunday and thinking "wow, that looks like crap." and it really does, which is too bad. but not really too bad because i could really care less.
umm, err, uuuuhhhhhhh. yeah, thats it. i need to sleep something fierce.

last night was sean's party in 819, and it was a good time. general shenanigans abound, i'm left bruised and scraped and there is a full body dent in their kitchen wall from a wrestling match with todd. i don't know why i was asked to join jenny in taking him down, but i complied. i, sadly, had nothing to do with the hole in the wall, that was all from a fierce body check delivered by jenny after the match. i guess the party ended at normal bc party ending time, but it felt much later, especially so i think because we went to the mods afterwards and the mods were uniformly dead. or at least that's my memory of the situation.

today i did nothing. tv, videogames, same old. watched my sunday night fox lineup from 7 to 10, which is more tv than i had watched all october. a few things i took away from that. futurama still makes me laugh, the simpsons still make me laugh, malcolm in the middle still makes me laugh, and king of the hill still keeps me adequately entertained. i'm happy about malcolm, the show has him in high school now, and apart from it being a beautifully awkward portrayel of high school situations, i still enjoy watching frank muniz or whatever his name is. everyone was like "oh he's old and gawky" i think he's still great. the show still seems kind of fresh, too, and i dunno, i'm down.

hmm, there was something i took away from my tv watching that i wanted to discuss. it had to do with commercials i saw... oh yes. the gd adam sandler feature cartoon. i sincerly hope no one i know sees it, and i extend that hope to the entire world. i'm sick of feature cartoons with absolute shit animation design. i'd rather poke my eyes out than sit through 90 minutes looking at the ugly characters and set pieces that that movie will have, not to mention the whole sandler part of the equation.

also, i'm so incredibly bored.

i really need something, and i don't know what it is. i'd love some excuse for drama, i'd LOVE it. i'd also love to do something new, something worthwhile. there are two problems with that, one, i don't know what it is. two, i'm unbelievably lazy. for the past month, i haven't even been able to change the playlist of the music i listen to at home and to sleep. it's the same 40 tracks i pulled together for the yet to be completed brenda 21st cd plus some new ones that have entered the consideration pool minus some i nixed. one, i should put together the cd(s), two, i should just freaking get a new batch of songs for myself to listen to, and ican't even do that.

but laziness aside, pretending i had time, or rather, sacrificed some of ths stuff i do that wastes my time, what would i spend on it? it's like i'm suffocating or something. i'd love a girl to fret about, better yet, i'd love a girl to not fret about. but that's not happening. so i'd love to do something of product. make something, write something, learn something. i tinker with loop and audio programs, but it's a stupid little spark of a hobby and i don't have the time to give to it. i'd love to get a little electronic doodad and make music, but am limited in so many ways on that. the largest being i don't have anything to write, and if i did, i wouldn't know how to write it.

ooh, i got my problem. i have so much to say but i just don't know what it is. it's that same thing that pops its face up every so often "oh i'm so important blah blah blah" because i know i am, except i have no outlet to just explode onto, so instead i just look at that problem and say how it sucks and how i'm so great and blah balh blah. i need an outlet. but to have an outlet i need a means of letting. i need the talent of graham smith to create a ponyoak, i need the audience of a writer to make me feel like its worth it. and unfortunately for the former, it's not a talent you learn i don't think. i've got no hooks, i've got no chords and i've got to skill to make music, and it's not something you find lying on the street.

what i need is a scene. i need to find people. people are out there, people to drink a few beers with and talk about things of joint interest, people to go see cex and stars and eyes with and then fuck around on a laptop with. you see, this isn't stupid "oh i want a girlfriend and someone to share my secrets with" kind of pining, this is just a simple i'd want someone who's even sort of into the things i'm into. this isn't to slag on my few friends at all, but you know, my friends won't talk to me about the yeah yeah yeahs and then go track down and watch eraserhead or some shit. that was andy buchenot. except after that happened we'd talk about final fantasy too.

oh well, whatever. my life sucks and it's only gonna get worse, woohoo.

i think i have mono or the clap or something. my saturday night sleep fests are well documented, however yesterday, without drinking anything, i came home, lay down on my bed for a quick nap or whatever at around 6. katie turned the light off at around midnight (i think i mumbled "no i'm getting up" or something, and then i got out of bed, jeans on, pockets full, at 9am. I don't like it.

Yesterday at work was a blast though, maybe it just tired me out. it was my hellish day of 9-5 photocopying. but i was armed with the ipod, and about 4 hours of continuous mixes. we had two avalanches sets, the this is tech pop comp, and the playgroup partytime mashup of 200 80s underground tracks. end result: dance party usa in the back room. it was awesome.
on thursday, i fell asleep playing video games. i took that as a sign i should, however much it was lame, probably not go to mary ann's for sean's birthday celebration. so at about 11:30 or so, i'm ready to go to bed and i think "gee, maybe i'll have a cigarette." now i've been cutting back on the smoking, for no real reason, just because if i don't NEED to have a smoke on the walk to the t after work, then why the hell bother? so i kind of decided to have this pre sleep butt i don't know, for old times or something. and i went out to the porch and promptly locked myself out of the house. NOw i could have gone to 14 lake or the girls' i guess and grab a couch, but i figured i was out, no real reason not to go to mary ann's, plus i'll get my own bed at the end of the night. so i did just that, sean turned 21 in style, and then i got to sleep.

today i play videogames, watch the bc game with nachos, and then more videogames and then the g-spot (that stands for the GRIDS spot, right?) for sean's party.

ooh, maybe work on my new overambitious audio project.

live from darren's, it's me.

first things first, work last thursday. some psychopath owner from another management company who we are involved in a small claims case called up and continued calling us nonstop for about 25 calls or so, doing fun stuff like asking where we lived, screaming at us, and making threats. We were forced to put the phones on silence because the instant we'd hang up on him he'd dial back. so after 15 minutes of the phones on silence, we lifted them and IMMEDIATELY they rang and it was our buddy mark. finally, while pat was on the phone with the cops, i got a chance to answer the phone. A transcript.

me: hi
ma: who is this?
me: brian, you haven't had a chance to talk to me yet
ma: you're a pissant. where do you live?
me: why?
ma: tell me where you live you fucking pissant so i can come kick your ass
me: listen dude, shut the fuck up and stop calling us, you're insane
ma: do you have any kids?
me: no
ma: too bad because i'll fucking kill them too
me: ...
ma: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
me:

so that guy was a bit imbalanced.

then i left work later and got my stuff together and hit the rv. we left and for the first few hours all of us were up in what i will call the common room. a scene not to be recreated. he ride was no bad,nothing of great interest happened and we pulled in to notre dame at noon. we walked around the campus, did some stuff, bought lots of beer, went to dinner with the girls1. Then tims darren jeff and uhh, err, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, i don't know but i am pretty sure there was a 3rd with us. john. yes, john. well, we went on what tim called the notre dame misery tour, to various bars and then waited 15 minutes for a cab in the freezing cold which sucked then back to the rvs then i went and met some people at the linebacker where i stayed for the night's duration until heading back to the rv to sleep.

saturday i never made it to the game, opting for profiteering on the ticket trade instead and then heading to the linebacker to watch some of the game. but no before calling katie and (i learned this later) telling her "picture indiana. picture indiana on a map. now picture a big x moving across indiana. that's me." and then back to the rv and then to sleep for 12 hours until we left the next day. i spent as much time lying down and sleeping as humanly possible, and we pulled in at 1am or so not before a few misadventures.

work the next day blah blah blah poker last night blah blah blah work blah football blah blah blah blah.

ipod is happy fun. it's great just having anything within a touch of a couple buttons. today as i did the monthly day of really really bad work, i got to listen to this mix, which i dug a lot, mainly because it's the type of music that evokes some of my favorite music listening time. it's that season, where its getting cold, and it gets dark super early, and certain songs just thrive on that. easy memory for this was wednesday nights at the career center. tindersticks and pinback. well, side a of the mix i listened to today was just great for that and i had a wonderful time.

also, on a huge pavement kick, which is always nice.

tomorrow night is sean's birthday at midnight gala, i'll make it out probably if anyone calls me. yeah yeah blah blah "you can call people too, you know" sure, i'll just call everyone every night on the chance that something is going on. that makes sense. life will be easier (harder?) when everyone graduates and moves and i don't have to feel separated and forgotten and expendable. because then i'll just be alone without feeling left out which i guess is better.

picked up the new yeah yeah yeahs single today. very disappointed with it. the ep last year was just so great and this just isn't. sadness. finally found the breeders do the buffy theme mp3, and it's the same goddam thing as the nerfherder one. i guess i was expecting kim deal to sing or play bass in her usual way but instead i get crap!
ummm

yeah, i'm wicked tired. my room is just a mess, clothes strewn everywhere. i need to take care of that. tomorrow. right.