self-titled: ^_^

just turned off south park with 30 minutes left. the novelty of swearing on TV had worn off and the movie's best parts are in the first half.

quick trip to jersey went well. After work wednesday i hopped on a train and, well, it beat the hell out of driving. Did a little gameboy action and a little music action, but no sleeping. Was afraid i'd miss my stop or something. got in to the house late that night, hung out a little, went to bed.

thanksgiving followed, pretty run of the mill festivities. had some turkey. after everyone left my sister and i went to see elf, which was cute. then back home for some quick gba and then sleep.

caught the noonish train the next day, we were held up in new haven for some power line fiasco for nearly an hour, but aside from that it went well. A few things about myself were again brought to light, which bothered me a bit. first was the fact that i shut myself off. everywhere i go i'm protected by headphones. when i boarded the train there were two options for me, cute chick or normal guy. i didn't want to be the guy who sits next to the cute chick because she's a cute chick and took the other seat and embarked on several hours of gameboy and ipod. of course some douchebag vice principal boards next stop, sits in the other seat, and for the next 5 hours the two are in constant conversation. And i realized, had i taken that seat my ride would have been exactly the same. I'd have my earphones in playing gba or listening to music the whole way, the only thing different would be that there was a cute girl next to me. that's a certain flaw of mine that i don't see being corrected anytime soon.

the next 'let's get down on myself' moment came when i was just sitting there. Kleenex Girl Wonder on the headphones, some dude typing on a laptop nearby, and me looking out the train window thinking about how "on a train" seems like a sort of classic place to write something. And i realized what i've realized (and documented here) many many times: I'm in love with the idea of creation but lack the motivation and the ideas to do anything about it. but sadly, it goes further. Moreso than being in love with the idea of creation, i think really, i'm in love with the destructiveness i associate with art. Case in point: the Kleenex Girl Wonder i was listening to. Young kid in a relationship goes "gee, what's up with breakup songs" and sets out to write an album full of them. halfway through the process he gets his ass dumped. pursuing the best of art is almost always destructive. No one wants to listen to songs about rainbows or read a story about two people who fall in love and live out their years without conflict. What's romantic to me is passion that destroys. Relationships created out of tension, and that need conflict and unhealthy dependancy to survive. it's pleasure through pain, it's the high and then coming down from it, it's that damn line from the mark eitzel song: "you were a student of archaeology / you take comfort in cities that fall / when you smashed your place up you thought you were making history..." to get back to a tertiary point i started making up above: art, if done correctly, is destructive. Look at the wrens album, 7 or 8 years in the making, by a band that was breaking up and imploding, and it's marvelous. thinking about being in a relationship, and i can only picture it from how it'd look on paper or through a lens, and if it's not destructive and full of messed up dependancy, it's boring and totally not sexy. and i'm looking at what i'm writing here and it's like i'm saying "addiction rocks." and well, in a way, i am. take away the physical affects, and the drain on the wallet, and how society views it. just isolate that one aspect of addiction where there's the need, the execution, the release. it's like the most human thing. i'm immediately reminded of the scene in requiem for a dream that after many viewings carries by far the most resonance, when harry calls marion from prison, she asks 'when will you be home' and he says 'tonight.' in a movie that graphically plays out addictions to heroin, pain killers, money, food, sex whatever...finally right towards the end, right when everything goes to shit for the last time, we get all those addictions to -things- put on the back burner and see the stripped down human need of going from feeling bad to feeling good. and heh, in their case, they are pretty much screwed... but it works for the moment... and those moments are what it's about.

now, reading all this, i'm left to wonder. is this how i've been, or is this how i've made myself. there's a clear life as art thing going on, lives as read on paper, heard in song and seen on film. At what point did i sit back and decide that life is best as it would be interpreted from an outside perspective? obviously it's a telling reason for having started blogging (hehe, 'blogging'). granted the writing here has gone to shit in the past year.5 as i've had nothing of import to write about and have usually lacked the motivation to sit down and write the crap that happened anyway. while it's common that some people are so used to disappointment that they won't pursue happiness. Perhaps i've one-upped the whole system in that i'm so sure i'll be disappointed in my disappointment that i won't pursue even that. haha that rocks.

i can make a better GBV mix album than they did.

granted all i'm working off is the real released albums, but still, it's gonna rock. who would dare throw "always crush me" on a gbv mix? me. that's who. maybe. but really only because of its striking similarity to some r.e.m. song that i just spent literally 20 minutes trying to figure out which one. sigh. and honestly, for the whole 20 seconds it takes up, how do you not include "hit" with it its inclusion of "giggling faggots?" oh wait, "hit" is on the gbv best of gbv. screw it. so i can add about 10 songs. i am a winnar.

ok, guided by voices are really really really awesome. so what if they have 100 albums and 2000 songs? like 4 songs per album at least are freaking unbelievably amazing.

ok wahtever, just made a mix for no one in particular. i like that, just mixes for a certain day.

back to jersey tomorrow. hopefully i'll have heard from staples before then. but if not i guess i'll just get on the train and play gameboy and forget about it.

i'm such a good little indie music fan.

after a weekend of absolutely nothing, i called TT The Bear's sunday night, verified that, for the moment, the twilight singers show wasn't sold out, and then headed there. Opening band was lame-o, i guess 2 members from the fly seville doing a pussified acoustic set. Then the twilight singers band came out, waited around, and then the man of the hour, greg dulli. Greg f'n dulli. For all his lyrics, and stylings, and swagger, the dude is short, fat and not incredibly attractive. It was a little disappointing, here's a dude i just thought would be the coolest motherfucker since some really cool guy. But christ did they rock.

Forget the twilight singers stuff having quieter more loungey moments. everything was sped up, loud as hell, with thrashing guitars and the afghan whigs growl. It was super rad. they thrashed through all the hits and it was super mega high energy and awesome. he did bring things about as he gave a speech about suicide and elliott smith over the intro loop to martin eden, which was actually sort of touching. but then that song exploded later on. On the second encore they played a full cover of Outkast's "hey ya" which i really didn't think could get any better, until it segued right into the whigs' "crazy" and i was like, owned. It was truly a great moment. forget what the final encore was at the moment, but i'm sure it also rocked.

monday night was the morr music tour featuring christian kleine, b. fleischmann and ms. john soda. I missed kleine, fleischmann (herr fleischmann as he was introduced) was fun. It's weird, i mean, packaged electronic music like this, what's the point to seeing it live? the best manipulation you get is some extra distortion, but it's still a good show and i think mainly because it's so loud and surrounding and in your face. It was certainly a weird crowd, everyone sitting on the floor and talking in accents and junk.

ms. john soda came up, and i was disappointed in stephanie bohm's looks much like dulli the night before. She was sorta short, sorta heavy, and not nearly as attractive as i had hoped. also looked a lot younger than i'd put someone who's been in bands since 96 or something. but once that girl opened her mouth and started singing i was in love. her voice is just soooo appealing, and she's making all these cute looks with her eyes. half the time i just wanted to take her home to mom and get married, then on songs like 'go check' where she's all really hot and bothered but in that detatched disinterested austrian way i didn't really want to marry her so much. For some reason, it didn't seem incredibly unrealistic that night that after the show we'd make out and then i could go around telling people "i made out with ms. john soda" and everyone would submit to my awesomeness. I kinda chickened out afterwards though, and just bought my CD from herr fleischmann and went home.

then tuesday i ate something that wanted no part of being in my stomach and i threw up a bunch of times. That meeting was fun, worried i'd have to rush out the door at any moment. staples called during my aborted lunch though, i'm still dealing with them but things are progressing.

now i have to go play videogames that make me ashamed to exist.

word. I keep meaning to bring home the digital camera from work so i can take exciting pictures of my apratment and of my weekend and them post them on the interweb. pictures from this weekend would be of me, in pajamas, playing video games.

I wanted to go out last night or tonight, but I also think i wanted to stay in a little bit more. that makes perfect sense if you're me.

I'm worried about the twilight singers tomorrow night.. i don't think i'll be able to see them, which sucks cause i listened to the new album today and it's good. was singing the chorus of "teenage wristband" like all day. i'm trying to work the craigslist angle, put a post up last night and one post on their the ticket was already sold. If i don't hear from that maybe I'll just show up tomorrow night around 8ish and hope for the best.

so despite going to bed at like 2 last night, i didn't get out of bed until 2pm today. i'm a lazy, awful person. Then i went to star market to buy aluminum foil, coke, and some frozen stuff for the week to come. I spent $200 at star market, and failed to get aluminum foil.

Hmm, this hilfiger girl is cute, the other one, i don't know who the f she is, is not cute. hilfiger girl has mad teeth though.

So, was checking my e-mail late in the day after i got home yesterday, and got an e-mail from a girl i interviewed with at staples oh, back in july or august or whenever which basically runs: "we have an opening in our department, based on your crap from August we think you'd be an excellent fit. I look forward to talking with you about this and hope you would consider joining our team." wasn't really expecting to hear from them again, but hey, i'll give her a call. And it's fun now, because I'm not as desperate as I was months ago so i can like, negotiate or something. we'll see what happens there.

apparently ally hilfiger's nipple just popped out as she was dancing at her graduation party, because they blurred something out. my graduation party was nothing like this. in fact, i didn't even have one.

bloody hell, i let my condo meeting go too long and then i missed the first 15 minutes of the O.C. boy was i not thinking.

i wish i lived in the O.C., then i could snake this new hot indie rock chick away from Seth, which would be tough because we'd be best friends. But if I acted fast enough I could snake her away before he realizes it's her he likes and not summer. that'd own, cause i'd be all "lol u r 2 l8" then me and whatshername would make out and death cab for cutie would play.

oh dude, i'm so pathetic. chicky just went in for a kiss with Seth and i was all up in the edge of my seat. then he blew it. I so need to have a talk with that kid. Oh man, now summer's all "i like seth" poor other girl. christ, if only my life was so interesting. Instead tonight, before the OC, the highlight of my night was learning that the chick who's condo i was at has taught her cat to piddle in the grown-up toilet. Meeting tonight was actually decent, cool bunch of people, young, relaxed, went on for a little too long but hey, they get some extra attention for the first meeting.

bah, now he gets to make out with both of them. seth and i are so in a fight.

hmm. meeting tomorrow night in... roxbury? yeah i think. Then on friday poker in the basement of Southie is replaced with Poker in the loft in Chinatown. All night 10 person hold 'em. should be a good time. Crooked fingers are playing but i'm sure they're sold out and I said i'd be there for poker. twilight singers on sunday, i'm sure i won't make it out for that. hmm, was going to say 'not if i buy one now' but then i tried and it's sold out.l i suck, i lose. and here i am ready to confirm a ticket for ms. john soda and i'm hesitating because it's a goddam $7 additional charge... 70% of the ticket price. that's just screwed up. Maybe i'll drive into cambridge tomorrow and buy at the box office. I'm sure i won't, but that excuse works for now.

so i'm thinking that this new position will have a positive effect on my life. what's that? positive? my life? can those two items go together? yeah yeah, basically i'm in the position where if i play it right, i can pick up some mad self-confidence. i mean, there's two ways to play it: i'm a 22 year old kid and these 40+ers have no reason to listen to me OR fuck it, they'll listen to me and if they don't screw them. as long as i can stick to that latter attitude, i think that'll be a big help for me in realms outside of the job. today i went to a building to do a quick walkthrough for a condominium that just hired us. i get to the building and find out they didn't hire us, but instead i was there to be interviewed. Now my boss thought it was just a walkthrough and would certainly have not sent me for a new business interview. but there was some miscommunication, and there i was, 22 years old with slightly spiked hair talking to some 55 year old professor and two 35-40 year old women all of whom own $600,000 condos on beacon hill telling them why they should hire me to manage their condos.

and that's all, i've got to go to bed. my dad was up friday night and we went to flemings and ate steak then i went to our house to meet mike and katie. saturday, nothing. monday, poker till 2:30. and oh man, i'm getting old or something because drinking until 2 and then sleeping for 3 hours is NOT fun anymore and i felt like crap all the following day.

lots of kewl new music. new shins is superb. this sufjan stevens album is lovely. and other junk as well. also, bright eyes to have a track on the next dntel album? that's weird.

new belle and sebastian is really great. it's funny, it's like ,"Belle and sebastian play old american rock music" there's stuff on there all over the map. you can hear csny, elvis costello, thin lizzy, some dylan, classic 50s stuff, it's really quite fun.

ok, out.